Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue...

Often I think I don't even know the extent to which -- subconsciously or consciously -- I feel tainted beyond redemption.

I feel like I never want sex to happen again -- or that I shouldn't want to have it happen again -- that I don't deserve to have it happen again -- unless I'm vacuum sealed in polythene. Mostly, though, the desire is just gone.

A recent discussion on another blog made me think about those ideas, and about responsibility, and about irresponsibility, and about desire, and honesty, and love, and intimacy, and companionship -- and about flat out carnal lust -- and about what these things mean to me. And about how they'll play out in my life. Forever.

And I try to decide if I should worry about that now, since the days have been so beautiful, and since it's been such a joy to wake up in the morning and smell the late spring air.

Tonight, I'll try not to worry about all that.

3 comments:

copperred said...

If you figure out how to get the desire back without potions, pills or an existential exorcism, let me know. We are not in the same boat but I can see your pain slip across the wires.

In practical terms, we all make compromises. That said, Maslow included sex in his deficiency needs, the ones without which the person cannot grow to his or her full potential.

RolandoTeco said...

Hang in there, kiddo. Sex drive is a funny thing. Comes and goes and comes back again at the most unexpected times and in the most unexpected ways. Ultimately, though, the best sex I can say I ever had was the sex that came back after a long hibernation in a long-term loving relationship. That kind of sex operates on too many levels to know.

And it transcends fear and self loathing. And it stays with you years after it's over. Some days I walk down the street and a certain smell -- maybe clean laundry for example -- takes me right back to him and us and it. And I'm smiling ear to ear. Is that real? I don't know. But it's wonderful.

Big Ass Belle said...

since the days have been so beautiful, and since it's been such a joy to wake up in the morning and smell the late spring air.

i say go with that for now. figure out the rest later. everyone deserves to have sex and love and all of the good things in life. but for the moment it sounds as if you've nailed the good things in life in your last paragraph.