Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Wisteria Tuesday

I have to admit that I have a very pleasant daily commute.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Love is...

A three-day weekend. Even when it's coming to an end.

There are fresh lilacs and daffodils in vases. I'm ready for bed and sweet dreams.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

O fogo do amor sob a chuva à instantes morrera

I attended a concert by the lovely fadista Mariza at the Lobero Theater tonight -- the fourth time I've seen her in the last six years -- and she was, as always, luminous.

I am having a difficult week and a particularly difficult day. There are times when I really feel that there is nothing I like about my life, and that when I feel "content" what I'm really doing is putting at bay all the despair and dissatisfaction that seem to reign. Just writing that makes the so-called despair seem even that much more ridiculous and self-pitying, but there you have it. The "best times" lately are those during which I simply -- temporarily -- forget how miserable, directionless, and alone I feel. Those during which I forget how consistently I keep making the same bad decisions or doing nothing "constructive" at all. Those during which I forget that the reason I'm not actively putting time toward attempting to date is because I know deep down that I don't have many reasons to really like myself lately, and how could I possibly try to date someone and possibly ask them to like me when I still can't find much to like about myself? Not much changes in twenty years... "The common denominator in your failed relationships is you."

Forgetting about how miserable I am and being able to have a "good" day -- or even long strings of them -- are far cries from being genuinely "happy."

It's quite sad when the future just looks like nothing more than one big long road full of "nothin' or worse." Is this the realization that strikes at some point after several decades of life when all the dreams seem to be dried up? Within a few days, I'll have covered all this back up with a pleasant veneer of Buddhist-style detachment, but it won't fix the problem. To be honest, I'm quite tired of everything.

As an encore, Mariza sang the Roy Orbison song Crying, and it moved me as much as the haunting Spanish version in David Lynch's Mulholland Drive.

I thought that I was over you
But it's true, oh so true
I love you even more than I did before
But darling what can I do
For you don't love me and I'll always be
Crying over you, crying over you

Yes, now you're gone and from this moment on
I'll be crying

What are you supposed to do when you just can't get over him? Or him, or him...?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Mais do que veneno estriquinina

It is time, I think, for another one of these:

And I may just make one tonight even though it's past 8:00pm and I was thinking of watching a DVD.

Also, last night I discovered the following very cute video of one of my favorite sambas, made by some very cute Brazilian boys. I've also included another clip below it of one of the classic versions by Elis Regina, which I can listen to several times a day. It makes me smile a bit, and I feel like I need that right this minute for some reason.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Independently Blue

I'm in quite a good mood. And on top of that, it's Friday night.

However -- just because -- I thought I'd mention that the Thursday Open Thread over at Joe's got me thinking about the following favorite, which is certainly one of the happiest, swingingest sad songs out there.

The world is a sadder place without Miss Nina in it, and I can't help but think how happy she'd have been if she'd lived until November 5, 2008.

As for some of the emotional themes mined in this classic: it does seem as though the last several years (about eight, but who's counting?) have been a variation and fugue on “I'd rather be lonely than happy with somebody else...”

Yep. Nighttime is my time for just reminiscing.