Monday, April 13, 2009

Al borde de un ataque de nervios

That's the way things went tonight
Tossed and turned though you were tight
Exhaustion brings on desperation
Well there's still some consolation...
I've been awake since getting up to go to the bathroom at 3:30. It's now a little past 5:30.

Sometimes I think I'm going nuts. But I think anyone reading this has heard this story before.

It's getting to the point where I vacillate between a quiet, impotent rage and the brink of utter depression.

My job situation and relationships with the heads of my office have totally broken down and left me feeling... well, broken down. I'm stuck in this limbo, being transferred to another unit more or less against my will, thus not included in any of the shared decision-making anymore, and completely (or so it feels to me) frozen out. In their minds, I'm probably already gone, so they figure why bother.

All this seems petty, as almost every workplace "issue" tends to seem. And it is petty. And workplace issues in general are petty. But it's gotten to the point where it's affected my ability to view myself as a capable person with valuable contributions to make. Not that it's all about me -- the special, unique snowflake -- but it's not news that the workplace often contributes immensely to one's self image.

I don't know exactly when it happened, but I went from a position in life where I felt that I had something to offer to this current state: one in which I am constantly questioning whether I have anything to offer. While in some sense that's hyperbole (I haven't lost all shreds of confidence and self worth), it really is the distillation of my current problems.

So, to be totally frank, how the fuck is this Stella supposed to Get Her Groove Back and once again feel like the valuable, talented, interesting, loveable, attractive, kickass member of society that she was, is, and will be again?

To quote a former group therapy facilitator, I guess "more will be revealed."

In the meantime, I think I will read Cheri Huber... again. (And I noted with a chuckle that she has a title that I hadn't seen before, called When You're Falling, Dive -- maybe seeing that title was today's mini-lesson.)


LadrĂ³n de Basura (a.k.a. Junk Thief) said...

Although I "know" you only through the blog-world, I think you have a lot to offer and that's why I stop by here frequently. Some of your angst-filled posts are my favorites, and I take away something of value from each of them. There is more than enough angst floating around in many people's work lives these days, and just hearing their stories is helpful to me. Here's hoping that your working angst is resolved soon.

Huntington said...

What Ladron said. Try to remember (and I know it's next to impossible) that none of the qualities or qualifications you had when you were the star (and we've all been both star and anti-star at work) have actually changed. It's all just people, being people.

The Angry Young Man said...

You need to stop working for a public agency - where mediocrity and a lack of hard work are rewarded - and find a challenging job doing something worthwhile. You care about those poor people over there in developing countries. Go get a job as an administrator at some non-profit for third world lovers. Here:

The best revenge is to just walk away, listening to their petty squawks fading into the distance...