Monday, December 10, 2007

Red Bull Gives You Roooooooooots....








I arrived on campus this morning to see a strange sight: Two small trees in front of the library had probably forty or fifty Red Bull cans hanging from them by ribbons. At first I thought it was some stupid undergraduate "art" project and I started to get annoyed remembering that the Luddite-eco-no-nuke-hippies left a bunch of paper flyer-tent thingies hanging in the trees (attached to plastic water bottles, no less) for months after one of their demonstrations last Spring. I thought, "If these motherfucking tin cans are still hanging from these trees at the end of the week, I'm gonna make some cranky phone calls."

But then a student cruised by on his bike and pulled one of the cans off and said, "Sweet!," so I realized they were actually full cans.

It's the first day of final exams week, and I'm sure this is some oh-so-sly marketing campaign from those people you see zipping around in some cities in the embarrassingly garish "Red Bull Cars." I always laugh when I see those, thinking that they sucker recent grads into doing that job with ads under the headline "Management Trainee Opportunity" or some other horseshit (or, er, bullshit). However, those twenty-three year olds driving around in that stupid car probably earn a higher salary than I do -- or at least one of them will by the time s/he is thirty and the regional marketing manager of the Beverage Division of some evil corporation.

Still, evil marketing gimmick or not, those Red Bull trees were kind of cute, and I'm sure they'll make some stressed-out, sleep-deprived students happy today.

Update: Stash's comment reminded me that I neglected to mention one important thing: Red Bull is one of the most vile, nastified beverages ever created by the industrial corporate food-science machine. Better living through chemistry my ass. I'd rather drink that South Seas island drink I read about once which is made from taro pulp chewed up by island natives, spit into a vat, and fermented until sour and frothy. Well, maybe I'd actually rather grab a Red Bull, perhaps with Vodka for a little extra kick.

9 comments:

Stash said...

Never had any Red Bull.

Is it like Mountain Dew? And no, I'm not about to try it to find out.

Huntington said...

"Nastified" is one of my favorite ABBisms.

The one time I tried Red Bull, it made me really dizzy and gave me a bad headache. Of course, I drank it while walking around in the hot sun at the Folsom Street Fair, so there might have been other contributing factors.

kusala ~ joe said...

"Other contributing factors."

Like the bottle of amyl nitrate permanently affixed to your nostril -- I mean, yes, the ultraviolet radiation can really take its toll what with the global warming being what it is these days, can't it?

Salty Miss Jill said...

Back in my restaurant days, we waiters would chip in for cases. A Red Bull with a Xanax chaser made the night go all the smoother...even though that shit tastes like liquid baby aspirin. (the bull, not the pill)

I'm surprised my heart is still beating.

Huntington said...

I have no idea what you're talking about. What's "global warming"?

kusala ~ joe said...

Jill: "Liquid baby aspirin" is an excellent description. Except I have always loved baby aspirin. That shit tastes good. Unlike Red Bull, which I have often described as "melted bubble gum."

Male Nurse Dave said...

I've actually had that chewed up and spit out drink, and it's really kind of tasty. Well, more so than Red Bull, anyway.

Anonymous said...

what's all the hubbub? Red Bull is yummiest with Jager, but during finals weeks and ya gotta stay up, it does the trick better than anything, except blow. So I'm told.

copperred said...

Red Bull is for toddlers and people like me who like small doses of Caffeine. Everyone around here knows the wars aren't powered by guns, sweat and blood but by NOS & Monster energy drinks.

I still stay away mostly, since I like not having to pee constantly; it puts a crimp in putting one's moves on, having to come and go all the time.